Thursday, December 11, 2008

My brother the zoologist

The other day I was sent an email with a picture that informed me of my brother’s current occupation. Yes, I have a brother. His name is Bernard Destruction (we call him Bernie). I am not saying that we aren’t close. We are very close. I just don’t really ask him about his job because I would assume that he is doing something that I wouldn’t want to hear about, like being a stripper or cleaning out the peep booths at adult video stores. Well it turns out that our friend the Real Magician found out that Bernie is working for an aquarium. This is my brother’s response to having his secret occupation revealed;

It was supposed to be a surprise asshole. I feel relieved that my darkest secret is out in the open now. When I say that I have to work on the weekends this is what im doing. It all started when I was listening to a Lynyrd Skynyrd album and drinking some Old Crow. I thought to myself, "I haven’t done anything exciting with my life." At that point I contacted an old friend of mine who specializes in artificial insemination of reptiles. He set me up with an alligator wrestler named John Saint Claire. If you’ve never met John before than let me tell you that you shouldn’t. John has killed over 97 species of animals, some so secret that he cant talk about them. John taught me that gators are sensitive creatures and that they just need compassion and a tender touch....That’s when he fisted the fucking thing and made it tap out. John has taught me so much and that is why I have decided to live on the edge every sat. and fist me some gator. If you guys want to fly down to lawsiana and see me in my prime contact me at or at 1800 428-3478 (Gat Fist). Gators are pussies btw.


I am proud of you no matter what it is you do Bernster. Just remember to never tell me if you start hooking, because hooking takes your soul.

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