Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Had a nice little Saturday

When I woke up on Saturday I was not feeling good. I am not going to lie. It was one of those mornings when you take loud noises very personal and your mouth feels like an ashtray. I mustered the strength to climb out of my hammock and I headed into the living room. I grabbed one of those large Alhambra bottles from my neighbors garage, because fuck him. I made myself two packets of bacon, a dozen hardboiled eggs, and a pitcher of bloody marys. I sat down to find something worthy of my Saturday morning starter. Did I ever! Inexplicably, both the USA and TNT networks had decided to create heaven on earth for me by running duel Steven Segal movie marathons. This means an entire days worth of action on two different channels. Segal’s body of work is so large that they could have both of these marathons on the same day without repeating one movie…. AMAZING. What this day helped me realize is two things. That Segal is a master of Zen, and that he is incredible at knife fights and breaking limbs. What I noticed about all of the movies I watched during the day is that Steven pays little attention to emotion in his acting. It takes a great performer to remain the same calm, wise, and impassionate character. When he walks into that pool hall to fight fifteen guys does he even bat an eyelid? No, he calmly takes care of all those jerkoffs. Blinking is for the WEAK! The thing you notice about his fight sequences is that he operates at an incredible limb breaking, neck stabbing rate. I am sure that we could get some nerd at MIT to run the figures to determine his neck stab to limb break ratio. Without going into much of a study of my own, I can safely assume that this is an incredibly large figure. Although, I am a huge fan of Mr. Segal I must offer some words of criticism as well. For the love of God Steven, please never run in a movie again. Multiple times during the orgasm that is a Segal marathon the poor choice was made to show him running after a suspect, running away from a bomb, or just running in general. Just stop it. I don’t care what you have to do Stevey. If I have to have another cop revenge movie ruined by you flailing your arms like a drunk peacock while you make that diarrhea face, I will no longer support your films. Basically, if you could make that simple request a reality I will anoint you as the greatest movie star of all time.

Overall Marathon Grade = A-

Points were deducted for Mr. Segal running and using his own band on soundtracks.

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