Burt and the Beanstalk

Last night the American public was treated to round two of Obama vs. McCain. I only caught the first segment of the debate where the topic was, unsurprisingly, the economy. It is the hot topic on everyone’s mind these days and it was inevitable that it would be a point of focus. My problem with these debates is the constant rhetoric from both sides trying to distance themselves from the crisis and explaining how they wouldn’t have let this happen under “their plans.” Well obviously that is what they are going to say. It’s not like they are going to approve of the current situation. I just think that if the question was posed to me I would have a new take on it. Therefore, I would like to pose the question to myself.

“Mr. Destruction, given the current state of the economy and our recent plan to help stimulate it what is your plan to help right the ship that is our economy?”

Well Tom, first I would like to say thank you to the American people and these jackasses here in the town hall meeting. Seriously though, I think I may have a plan that isn’t very conventional but a solid one nonetheless. Do you remember that story about Jack and the magic beanstalk? Well, I have a feeling that it may actually be based on fact. That’s why the first part of my plan would center on finding these “magic beans,” wherever they may be. Once we have the beans we can plant and water them until we have a beanstalk that grows into the clouds. From there I would send in a crack recovery unit to invade the giant’s castle in the sky and try to steal some of the giant’s gold. We would have to be a lot quicker and quieter than young Jack was. I think that if we can get a good amount of the giant’s gold and escape undetected this might just be the thing to get our economy back in shape. I say that because Giant gold is ten times the size of regular gold and probably worth more. I base that on no facts at all. Also, we are going to have to cut the beanstalk down once they return so that the giant doesn’t come down to take back his gold. Can you say expanded job market? Shit, we are going to need a ton of Americans to cut that sucker down and then get rid of the waste from the beanstalk. If that isn’t a plan to stimulate and invigorate this economy I don’t know what is. [Throw mic down on the ground, flex a few times, and make gesture with hands to show penis size.]

I think that this argument would compel many Americans to vote for me based on my outside the box thinking and overall sexiness. I would also smile a lot and make eye contact.