Friday, March 13, 2009

Bernie might have a problem

Just the other day I got a note from my friend Bart. Besides being devilishly handsome and a wiz with computers Bart is also coach at Santa Barbara city college. His most recent communication with me was in regards to my brother Bernie. It seems that Bart is concerned Bernie has a problem. He has documented his findings with precision;

Addiction: Chronic Masturbation and Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation

Character Profile:
Bernie (addict):
Bernie has been a chronic masturbator since he was 10. He recalls the amount of time it took to download porn pictures, now he has multiple monitors displaying multiple Voyeurism sites at the same time. He recently discovered Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation and has been taken to the hospital 5 times, because he was found passed out with junk in hand by his mother, father, or sister. He spends $1500.00 a month on internet porn.

Appearance: Scruffy, dirty, shifty eyed, Black and blue ring around his neck

Mannerisms: Right hand constantly moving up and down, soft spoken, never looks into your eyes

Habits: Uses socks to clean up or ejaculates into old tennis ball containers and stores them in his closet. Uses a belt to suffocate himself while masturbating.

Job: Because of his mammoth forearm he arm wrestles people in bars for income.

That is an in-depth analysis. I can just see the intervention for this. Bernie comes home and we are all in the living room drinking tea. He notices that all of his lube and pornography is on the living room table. That’s when the moderator steps in and explains the situation. Right about that time I imagine Bernie cutting the moderators head off with a karate chop, giving all in attendance a death stare/throat slit and running into the woods naked.

1 comment:

Michael S. Harris said...


It's been way too long since I've seen you and Danielle. I was just talking to Eileen and she told me that you have an amazing blog so I thought I would check it out. Usually my A.D.H.D. doesn't afford me the luxuries of reading more than a few sentences before I've forgotten what I’m reading, move from the computer to the kitchen to wash the dishes, then suddenly I’m watching TV (dishes half done).

On this particular night, however, I’ve been able to hone my attention span as I’m visiting my grandparents in lovely Granite Bay California. We had red lobster for lunch today, something the city is certainly lacking. I've got two bags of cheese biscuits that are desperate to get to the big city where they will be consumed in the privacy of my own home.

It's amazing how things come together sometimes. I just read about Bernie's problem, and I’m dying because I think my grandfather may have his own problem.

While sitting on the couch with my grandparents thinking of anything to do, anything, just anything, other than listen to crickets I say, "Hey, got any movies."

Grandpa jumps from his seat. "We keep them over here in this drawer.” (Pulls three out and has a piece of paper on top of them, holding them in his right hand while he searches for others with his left) He's rambling on about detective movies and then leaves with the three DVD’s in his hand. I said, "Well what about those, what's that you've got there in your hand."

"These DVD’s are 'educational' Michael." (Wink)

My grandma interjects, "Oh yeah, they're real educational alright."

We all had a good laugh and then I remembered my grandparents are in their 70's. I got real quiet and decided to forget the movie and head into the guest bedroom where I was lucky enough to find solace in the fact that Bernie has a bigger problem and if my Grandpa has one, I don’t want to know about it.

I'm starting to wonder if my grandpa needs his own intervention and I’m quickly trying to avoid all further thoughts.

Hope all is well.

Michael Harris